Sexy Girl: That's so weird, that you're like, a chef. But you know, it's cool. It's hot. I can't cook. Do you like to cook a lot - like, even when you're at home?
Me: Usually.
Sexy Girl: Omigawd! Really? Why? Like, I'd be tired. Why d'you like to cook so much?
Me: Because I like food so much.
Sexy Girl: Yeah, but why d'you like food SO much?
Me: Y'know why I like food so much? An accountant could walk down the street and bump into another person who isn't an accountant, and say: "yo, stocks are down, fiscal policy is at a standstill." But he wouldn't. He might think about it. About as much as he might think about making a quilt out of all his money. But let's face it, he'd probably just pass a person in line, or meet a person somewhere for the first time and mention that he's an accountant- but he'd never continue talking about it- it's boring.
Sexy Girl: My boyfriend wants to be an accountant.
Me: I know if I were an accountant, and I striked any conversation I probably wouldn't ask what line of insurance a person would go with. I might ask what they do for a living, and what their line of credit's like; but they'd probably change the subject pretty damn quickly. And that's just it. We'd talk about interests and keep trying back and forth until we find something we can both connect with and talk more about. Movies, travel, food. Food. Food almost always comes up in any conversation, maybe because almost everyone is almost perpetually hungry because we love starving ourselves to look good. My boss once told me to ease up on the salad at lunch because sexy people don't eat a lot, and that they don't need it. She's right, we still end up throwing a lot of it away, and we don't give much to begin with. But, when you meet a friend for the first time, you almost always talk about food, because you almost always spend more than an hour together and get hungry. And there it is, the connection. With one of life's most trivial and necessary things. Eating. Unless, of course, you're someone who's totally self deprecating and, for whatever guilty reason, can't eat food, no longer want to eat food, and therefore can't talk about food (like you).
Sexy Girl: What?
Me: Huh?
. . .
Me: You know why I like food? Because an old Thai woman couldn't speak a lick of English, but the second I see her cooking something interesting and have the balls to go up and watch her make it, asking what it is, not caring about whether or not she can understand- and the second she sees me interested in something she's cooking, she'd smile and grab me by the arm to make sure I could get a closer look, pointing, saying something about a root I've never seen and saying "furniture made", or "make furniture." Why? Because it's something she does. It's something everyone does. Because it's something that makes her, not only interesting in someone's eyes, but able to communicate. I may come from middle class suburbia, she may come from -shit, Thailand, I dunno- but the second food - food I, for example, have never seen before- comes on the scene, something magical happens. We're able to talk to each other. I mean, what's a language barrier? Nothing. She's ecstatic, I'm ecstatic. Someone likes something she likes, or at least someone finds something she likes fascinating, either because it's delicious, or cultured or totally Lacanian- I'm not here to talk semantics. What I'm getting at is, it's almost always a bridge for some kind of connection. You can almost always ask someone what they like to eat, and they'll either tell you, and if they can't, show you, and have you try it so they can, for whatever reason, feel validated, or exotic, or refined, or some sense of satisfaction, realizing, they're not as lame as everyone thinks them to be, if everyone even thinks them to be.
But me? I like food because I can be in a grocery store trying to figure out which Vietnamese coffee would be the better choice- the one with the sunset on the can, or the other with the old Chinese sage holding a peach- and some Chinese woman who just happens to be in the isle would have the balls to ask me, in her broken English, if I want coffee. I obviously do. But what she's really asking is: "You like coffee like my husband likes coffee? Can we someday play mahjong together?" And when I respond, "Yes, but I'm trying to figure out what brand to try this time" I'm really responding, "Man, that would be so great." And when she says back, "My husband likes to buy these two and mix them together, and he likes them really sweet, I can't drink it. It's too sweet. I like tea," she's really saying: "Is Sunday good for you?" We could never talk about engineering. What are the odds she and I are engineers? Or fine artists? Or the same age for that matter. But everybody eats. That's for certain. And that's it; an instant connection. Tai chi may be strange to someone foreign, so might quinceaneras. But what about the food at one of them? Now there's something to talk about.
Food brings everyone together. Look at every occasion. When business men meet for lunch and talk about the Dobson report, food’s always there, listening. Why not just have a meeting? Because the crux is: people like to eat, and the meeting itself is really just an excuse.
. . .
Sexy Girl: Are you gay?
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1 comment:
you're amazing =]
this was hilarious
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